No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
