I think im going to throw up on grandma
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
