I was born with a shot glass in my hand
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
