bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
