i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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