you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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