it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
