When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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