I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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