he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
