I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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