I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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