Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
