I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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