I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
