I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
