Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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