Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
