Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
