You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
