theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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