The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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