You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
