I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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