The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
