i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
