Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
