3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
