Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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