There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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