it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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