It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
