you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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