i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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