I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
