you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
