i would punch a child for taco bell
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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