My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
