I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
