Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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