I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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