Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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