What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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