i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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