After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
