There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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