We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
