its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
