First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
