I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
