I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize