someone threw a dead crab at me
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
